<>Prologue
Did you ever wonder of the love that can never be change?
Did you ever wonder about that certain someone and their feelings?
Did you ever wonder that one day, you and that person will never coexist?
This is the love that I realize—love, friendship and the society of the world, made it impossible.
Having certain feelings will change each person in every possible way. Having a love that makes’ everyone change.
This is my, no our mutual feelings.
I set my journal down, and began looking for a certain someone. A certain someone who I remember was a friend but something else as well. My name is Farah. Yes, Farah...and in this revelation, I will never be the good girl.
To be precisely correct...
This is where I'll tell you of our first day; the day where my heart was captured once again but thrown into a pit fire once more.
...................................
The lights turn bright green, and my bare feet tightly grips onto the black, rusted pedal of my bike. I look both ways before paddling. I quickly went pass the honking cars and the lady who covered her sons' eyes. I knew for certain that my terrible appearance made everyone around me uncomfortable and others excited, but all what that was on my mind, was my determination to get across the street, and pass the train station to my house, where my best friend was waiting for me.
"Put some clothes on!" yell one of my neighbors. I quickly threw my bike down and look over my shoulder as I ran towards my house, "I have a towel! That's good enough!" I yell back. My neighbor shrugs his shoulder and pick up my bike, "I'll tell Kiyoshi to bring you your bike later."
I didn't care anymore. All I wanted to see was his smiling face looking towards me. I clutch onto the door knob and turn it open. My father was standing there, shaking hands with another person I did not know. Then, slowly my eyes saw the familiar profile. My eyes drop as I saw him.
"Farah, it's surprising right?" he said with flickering eyes and thick lashes. I slowly step out the door and close it. My heart was thumping slowly, then to rapidly fast. I then open the door once more and saw him again, but this time it was really him. I walk closer as if I was looking at a rare animal. My father only turns to look and shake his head.
"R-Ren?" I mouthed.
Ren reach over to my shoulder and smiles. "I'm back." I simply stare at him for half a second, until he finally knock heads with me. "Do you think I look weird?" he asks and turns around for me to see. I nodded my head no, and then slap him hard across the face.
"You said you were going to change, not change into that!" I scream from the top of my lungs. Ren is my best friend, the best friend I dearly fell in love with. However, he was no longer just another guy I love; he was a person I knew I could spend the rest of my life with. (Although as difficult as it is, he doesn't know my feelings just yet.) But forget that all just now. He-He is not what you think he is. From the way things are now, it seems like Ren is trying to get a sex-change?
"I hope you like my dress; I got it yesterday before flying in to Osaka." He smiles again, but this time in a more pleasing way as if he accepts my slap. I could feel the tears coming down my eyes and down to the resting arm on my shoulder. He moves his arm away and wipes my tears off my cheeks. "I didn't think you'll to cry like this, I'm sorry?"
Y-You
Ren pull off his long-haired wig and set it aside on the table. I saw his fresh and short cut-hair. He was absolutely handsome, so handsome that I thought it was possible for me to fall in love with him all over again. Minus the fact that he has makeup and a floral dress on. He grabs my hand and took me into the living room where I found piles of books stacked on the couches. I turn to him and let out a slight sigh, "You will only wear dresses inside the house where I can't see you." I said and quickly hop towards the books and began searching for the first book to read.
As you can see, my personality is the gullible type. Only Ren can be able to send me flying to the deserts of Egypt in fleece coats. He was the only man who was able to excite me and get me going. My father was the loving type so I wasn't able to see a stronger side of him; it wasn't until I met Ren when I was 10. He was the new kid on the block and the only kid to stand up to the bullies. He and I stood up for the others kids and made a small group called the "Untouchables". That's a weird name to start off with, and the next thing would be that our group consists of girls only. Ren was the only boy. He showed the girls how to fight and even showed them clues on how to hurt boys in a quick flash.
"All you have to do is hit that part down there", he would whisper that line to all of us and make us try it out on the new guys in school. It was kids play, but as we grew older, the farther he became. I wanted to know why but every time I go to his house, he would not let me in his room; instead I'll stay in the living room with him. It wasn't until we turn 15 when he decided to go study overseas. He promise he wouldn't change and stay strong like he always was, but he broke his promise.
"Farah, I came to visit you only, but tell me again why you are in a towel?" he asks and tries to pull down the edge of my towel. I blush and slap his hand away. "I-I" Ren laughs and points at my mother who was standing there with her hands on her hip, waiting to choke me. "I get it, I'm going upstairs." I ran up and close my door shut.
"Ren, you..."
Thinking about it, he would look pretty normal, without the wig, makeup and dress. I just didn't understand why he changed so quickly at that time and came up with an idea like this. I still don't know the answer but as soon as I began noticing the changes, I sense he wasn't the same Ren I knew, he was different.
Ren gave me a slight squeeze on the forehead and went down the road to the next block where his house was located. He turned back a few times trying to make funny faces at me while he went. I just laugh it off and continue to watch him until he turn the corner to where I couldn't see that dress anymore.
Entry 2 | to be continued.
I was once again waiting outside his house, although it was a two story, it look a lot like a cottage built on top of each other. I tap my foot a couple of times, impatiently waiting for him to come out. It was his first time going to my high school, so I’ll make sure he fit in well.
*clack
“Ren you don’t look so gay after all.” I said, without thinking of the words I used. “What are you talking about. Just leave me alone.” I pause and thought about two days ago when he showed up at my house in a floral dress. “About two days ago, can you tell me why—you…”
He cut me off guard and covered my mouth with his hand, “Shh. Don’t say anything.” He said and slowly waited. I couldn’t breathe, and especially when his hand smelt like fresh raspberries. I then remember that Ren was actually holding onto me. That’s when I blush crazily and ended up stepping on his foot. He had to walk all the way to the school grounds bending on one knee, which was entirely my fault.
“Y-You need help?” I ask, trying to do him a favor. He ignored me and went to class. I quickly followed. As soon as we came through the door, everyone didn’t speak. I didn’t understand why, but that’s when I realize Ren was standing there with his killer smile on. He was trying to steal all the attention and create an even more chaotic first appearance. I hurry to my desk and waited until the teacher took role.
“Hey Farah, is that the friend you’ve been telling me about?” Kiyoshi ask me in a secretive tone, “Seems like the guy you have a crush on is getting loved by all the girls in class.” He quickly sat back in his desk and threw me a peace sign. It wasn’t like I was oblivious. I could clearly see that Ren was trying to get the girls on his side, just like when we were little.
Ren, as I remember, would always get the girls to crowd in one big group and beat the bullies. The only big reason why the girls will follow him is because he was, as you call, the big sister in the group. But he was a guy; it still makes me laugh but thinking about the past and comparing it to now, is very different. The girls in this class definitely don’t want him to be the big sister.
“Kiyoshi do you think Ren is pretty?” I ask and turn to look at his puzzled face. Kiyoshi pretends to barf then settles down immediately, “Why do you say so? I’m a guy; I obviously wouldn’t think another guy is pretty, Farah.” He gave me a ‘pissed off’ look and turn back to the front where the teacher got down to today’s lesson.
……
After Class: Introduction.
“Just wait here Ren, I really want to introduce you to my friend. He was the other you, when you were gone 3 years ago.” I said, still clinging onto his arm. I wanted to make sure he and Kiyoshi knew each other, so soon all three of us will be able to spend our summer vacation together.
“Farah, can you stop it now. Whenever you drag me somewhere, it’s never a good thing.” He said and moves his arm away from my grip. Ren accidently scratch my arm as he pulls away, making me arch backwards. “Ow, why is your nails so sharp.” I whined and look up to see his face. He had the weirdest look in his eyes, as if he was stunned by something. I try to call his name, but he wouldn’t answer. “Hey Ren!” I shouted.
“Farah!”
I turn behind me and saw Kiyoshi running towards me. He was sweating everywhere, from head to toe. Maybe playing tennis had made him a lot buffer now, because not only does his shoulder look wider, even his legs are getting toned. “Ah! Just in time, I was going to introduce you to—huh?” I look behind me and Ren was gone, he wasn’t standing behind me anymore. I turn back to Kiyoshi and laughed, “M-Maybe he had something to do with the teacher. I’ll try to introduce you guys later, okay?” Kiyoshi just nods his head and turns back to the tennis courts. “Remember, next time you introduce us, your chance at getting a date won’t be possible. I’ll make him so scared, that he’ll pee his pants!” laughed Kiyoshi as he began hitting the tennis balls.
“Just stop it with your jokes!” I shouted back, and walked away. I could hear from behind me his words, “I’m not joking, and I was never joking from the start.”
………
I opened the door to our classroom and found Ren sitting there, alone. I could see his hands trembling as if he was cold. “What’s wrong?” I ask. He suddenly jumps up and turns around to me; he looks frighten, or was he embarrassed? Ren didn’t answer me; instead he grabs his stuff and made his way out. I didn’t stay in the room, I ran right out with him as well. I caught up after a few minutes as he began rummaging through his bag. “Why are you in such a hurry to leave?!” I shouted. I must’ve been annoyed that he’s been ignoring me since this morning, but why was he making this hard on me too! I’m worried about him. But he won’t say a thing.
Ren turn his back on me and paused, “Farah, I don’t think you understand me very well.” He said and left. I continue to stand there, feeling stupid and lost. I didn’t understand him. In fact, maybe I’ll never understand him.
…
“Farah, were you here till this late?” Kiyoshi said as he came out of the locker room. I lift my head up, and tears began streaming down my face. I couldn’t cope with it any longer. Was my love for him such a terrible thing? He’s making me go through this confusion of hate and love, however, no matter how much it hurts me, I find myself always coming back to him. “Kiyoshi, I don’t think I’ll give up. I don’t have the strength to admit defeat. No matter how much he regards me as just another close person, I’ll make him love me. (hiccup) S-Sorry, I can’t believe I’m doing this in front of you, I must’ve gone crazy...” I said and got up to leave. However, Kiyoshi grabs me by the arm and twists me around to him.
I could feel his warm arms clinging onto my body like a soft blanket filled with hot water. Kiyoshi didn’t let go as I try to push him away, instead he hug me even harder. My eyes were now dried with my tears and my body was warm and fuzzy. I couldn’t see clearly, but as I continue looking forward, I thought I saw Ren standing there. Kiyoshi finally let go, and turns to look at me. “If you can’t understand your feelings, then let me be the judge of it for you.” He said in a serious tone. I can sense him using his voice projection to make me stand still while he finishes. “K-Kiyoshi, I don’t think that’s a good idea. You stick with your Tennis ball matches, and I’ll stick with my own relationships. I too, don’t want you to do anymore than you already do.” I reply. I felt guilty, entirely guilty for always making Kiyoshi bare my worries and complaints.
“I like you.” He reached over once again, but this time he drop his tennis racket and put both hands on my shoulders. I knew for certain, that he was asking for a kiss, but my mind went blank and I slap him hard across the face.
“Ren! He will always be the man I love! Please don’t make me say this more than I already do. I don’t want to hurt your feelings. I really don’t.”
I left Kiyoshi standing there with a red hand mark on his face. This was the first time I ever did that to him, and this was the first time he ever went this far with his words. Something is changing, and I felt like this was just the beginning of my story.
……….
The next morning I found Ren standing outside my gates in red shorts and a zipped up bright yellow sweater. I knew right away that he was going to ask me for a morning jog with him. It’s been a week since my breakdown and the little event with Kiyoshi. I haven’t spoken to either one of them, but by the looks of it, it seems like Ren is trying to warm me back up again. I won’t send him back, in reality, I really had hope he would come to my house with a bouquet of roses asking for forgiveness. But that chance of happening is zero. Ren smile as I got my jogging suit on, and my sneakers. “So, where shall we go?” I ask and wave my water bottle at him.
“Down the river bank, I haven’t been there in ages.” He replies and opens the gate for me as I went by. Ren was definitely a lot taller than I expected. His lean body sometimes reminds me of models who don’t eat enough, but him not eating is not his personality. He and food are like best friends, the best friends that he and I won't ever be. I carefully eyed his short brown hair as it was being blown by the oncoming wind. His shapely defined neck and torso was a body of a god.
“Farah, do you mind introducing me to your friend once again.” He asks out of the blue. Ren began to slow his pace and stop by next to me. He took a gulp of his water, with the extra coming through the side of his mouth and down to his shirt. “Was his name Kiyoshi?” he ask once more.
“Kiyoshi, so you want to meet him?” I said in a very indifferent tone of voice. Why was I feeling down when he ask to meet Kiyoshi? Maybe because he had never apologized to me about what happen a week ago? His ignorant personality, it never changes does it. “We’re mad at each other right now, but if you want we can stop by his house later this afternoon.”
Ren smile and patted me on the head, “Thanks.”
I didn’t think that this one day, would be the day I regret the most.
I knock on the door, and stood still waiting for them to open the door. I could hear footsteps coming down stairs and towards the front door. My hands cringe in guilt. I was once again not noticing Kiyoshi’s feelings but only my feelings. B-But Ren, he seem like he really wanted to meet Kiyoshi.
*clack
“Oh, Farah.” Kiyoshi said looking at me, then towards the person behind me. “A-Ah, this is Ren. And Ren, this is my friend, Kiyoshi.” Ren move pass me and took Kiyoshi by the hand, “Nice to meet you.” He said with a grin on his face. I don’t know the meaning of it, but it seems to be a lot more than just a normal grin.
Entry 3 | to be continued.
Was it because Kiyoshi has his first guy friend? Ever since that day, Ren has been following Kiyoshi like he was his butler. He’s been helping him get his bags and books. It’s not that I’m jealous, but just a little left out, that’s all. I’ve been ignored for three whole days now. Kiyoshi still seems to be uncomfortable around me, and Ren, he’s hyped up about getting a new friend.
“Farah, Ren told me to hand these to you. I’m not sure what it is, but he told me to specifically tell you, to open it.” The girl, whom I’ve seen a couple of times wondering in this class, handed the small box to me with a big smile on her face; but it seems like she was forcing it. “Are you sure Ren told you that?” I ask her, wondering what she could be thinking. “Ah, I told you already! Ren gave it to me, and told me to hand it over to you. That’s all he said. Why won’t you just open it already and get it over with.” She stomped away leaving me dumb founded. I should of just kept quiet because now everyone was looking at me with curious eyes.
Yes, Yes. If Ren tells me to open it, it actually means, not to open it. Well, since it’s already like this, I guess I’ll just step outside for a moment. I mean seriously, What is Ren up to now.
“Heiske, have you seen Ren?”
“I saw him just now, he went into the lab.”
“Was he with anyone?”
“No. He just had his school bag with him.”
“Ah, okay. Thanks. Um, can you tell the teacher that I’m going to skip because I’m not feeling so well.”
“Yeah, I’ll tell.”
What’s he up to now. In the Lab? “Hey! Ren!” I shut the door behind me and caught him stuffing a piece of paper behind him. “Ooooh, you’re definitely up to something!” I quickly ran up to him, and reached for the paper, but he dodged and crumpled the paper in his hand.
“Hey! What was that for!” I shouted feeling even more outcast. Ren nervously grab his bag and stomp his way pass me.
“Ren!”
“What, What is it!”
“I-I haven’t talked with you in awhile now…” I stuttered and slowly went towards him, hoping he’ll turn back to me. “I’m sorry, things just been a bit complicated since I’ve met Kiyoshi. It’s a bit difficult trying to get close to him when you’re next to me all the time.” I froze, “You do, understand how much I’m trying right? I’m in a difficult path right now, a path that you wouldn’t understand. I know Kiyoshi’s feelings about y-…”
“Be quiet! Don’t say anymore. Just stop there.” I put my hand over my head, hoping it wouldn’t explode. “So, you…you…you can’t be thinking that moving away from me would make Kiyoshi become your friend?!” I was in total denial, but what I said has to be correct.
“No. How is that even a conclusion to what I’ve said.” He finally turned back to me. “I like….I like a lot of things about him. He’s the kind of guy I admire, that’s all.”
“I didn’t ask you about that, in fact, I don’t care. What I care about is the fact that you’re ignoring me!” I furiously grabbed him by the arm and reach for the paper. “Yah! Yah! What are you doing?!” he shouted, but I had already snatched it away from him.
“Ha! You’re joining the tennis team? In that kind of body? Yah! Ren!”
“What can I do about it?”
“What do you mean what?! Dang! Stop pissing me off!”
“I can’t stop liking him…I-I can’t…”
“I’m so irritated; I mean everything you’re saying is not about-…”
The paper in my hand, dropped down to the floor, “R-Ren, what was that? D-Did you say you liked Kiyoshi? That can’t, I mean it doesn’t make sense, ha, I must be hallucinating. Yes, that’s right.”
“No Farah, you heard me. Ren is a great guy. I was confused at first too, but the more I was next to him, the more my admiration grew, my feelings also grew. Especially…Especially when I mentioned you, his face was pale, pale like your name was poison to him. So, Farah, if you still think I’m the old Ren, the one you hug you on the first day I came back then your wrong. I can’t lie about myself anymore, I can’t. So please, can you go out with Kiyoshi?”
My heart, was that the glass breaking? Was there a rainstorm outside? No, wait, is there a huge wave coming towards me? None, none at all. I’m such a fool for believing him. His eyes never once wavered at me, has it? Should I try? No wait…how—how can I? In this state? I should be running out the door already, and crying! But why?! Why am I still standing here, looking at his face! That face… that--What is it…what’s this feeling? A feeling of love…or just a mutual feeling between the both of us…
“So, you like him? Ren? My other Ren? Kiyoshi?”
He picked up the registration paper and gave me a slight smile. “Farah, promise me one thing. Don’t forgive. But most of all, don’t love or trust my love.”
. . .
Was that the end? No. I’m willing to make him mines if I end up making him hurt.
“Forgiveness is always at the end of a person’s decision, however, this time I’ll give my forgiveness and start this decision that I won’t regret.”
That was what I thought when I pulled him down towards me and took his kiss.
“Farah!” he pulled away making me stumble back on the counter. “I can’t! I won’t ever let you love another, and it doesn’t have to do with gender. Kiyoshi doesn’t love you, okay, okay, I get that part b-but if that’s so then I’ll have a chance right? Ren! Ren aren’t you listening! Look at me!”
“F-Farah…the teacher is looking for you. Y-You too, R-Ren.”
I quickly turned around and saw Kiyoshi standing there, staring at the both of us in shock.
“K-Kiyoshi.”
Entry 4 | To be continue
The dripping water flowing down the bus window is very exciting, isn’t it? Alone, once again, and this time there is no turning back. The three of us, we will never be the same ever again. Kiyoshi said he liked Ren, but the word love never came out of his mouth.
The word like is very different from the word love. These two are really different, so why did he specially describe his feelings this way. Perhaps, maybe, he’s not sure of his own feelings as well?
“Ah! Sir! Stop the bus, this is my street! Sorry about the late notice.” I quickly bow and headed out the bus. I might be thinking too much, I may even be growing white hair now. At this age, there is no surprise a white hair would appear. “Kiyoshi’s father? Hello, is there something wrong? Why are you waiting here like his?” I paused at their front gate looking in.
“Did something happen?” his father’s eyes were worried; he was definitely worried about something. I turn back to where his father was looking and there was Ren standing there. Ren had eyes of a person who didn’t look afraid, but somehow he was nervous. I turned back to Kiyoshi’s father and nodded, “Is there something wrong with Kiyoshi? He left class early today, so I thought maybe he wasn’t feeling well. I didn’t think anything would be wrong with him.”
“Don’t worry yourself over this Farah. You’re not in the best health yourself. Kiyoshi, he’s fine, but today he looked rather pale. I was just worried if something happened at school. He hasn’t look like this since his mother-…”
“Kiyoshi’s father!”
I looked at Ren who was on his knees kneeling. Ren, what was he doing?! In this kind of situation, what was he doing?! Don’t tell me- he-
“I-I caused him to be like this.”
“What?! What could you have done?!” his father went closer to help Ren off his knees, but I stopped him. Ren was not done just yet. I don’t know why, but my hands made its choice. If society doesn’t accept him, then I will be the only one. If this is Ren’s choice, then I’ll have to make mines too.
“My feelings, I’ve told him.”
“What do you mean your feelings? Son, please stand up. I’m sure it’s not that big of a deal-…”
“It is! I like Kiyoshi. As a man, as a man who likes a woman, I like Kiyoshi as that kind of man.”
“W-What? Ha-Farah, don’t tell me, this boy here, he likes Kiyoshi? T-The kind of like that-..”
Klack*
I turned to the door, looking at Kiyoshi stand there with his hands in his pockets. I fidgeted, afraid he will yell at me for coming here, but he didn’t. He stood there and looked at me, at Kiyoshi, then finally to his father.
“It’s true. Ren did tell me he likes me. I’m shock, actually too shock. I have never received a confession by a guy before, it’s all too weird.” He laughed and looked at me, “Farah, to think I’ll be going up against him for your love when he’s the one who have feelings for me, it’s all too difficult right? I’m sure you’re ready to go all up against me for his love too, right?”
“Kiyoshi, let me say-..”
“No, it’s fine. I’ve heard enough. Actually, I think it’s better for all of us to do our own things now. I have no intentions of interfering with this relationship if it’s like this. Hurting your feelings is the same as it hurting mines.”
Kiyoshi turned to Ren, and smiled. “Man, it’s quite a shock that you even confessed to me right after I came out the lab. You’re not only smart, but pretty bold too. We-We can still be good friends.”
Tears came down my face as I saw Ren look away. He was afraid he’ll cry too, being rejected all in front of us. I mean, Kiyoshi has never looked the other way before, how could he accept Ren’s feelings. D-Don’t tell me-he was expecting all of this?!
………..
“Have you heard? Ren’s parents got on their knees begging him to turn back human.” my mother said as she handed me the cup of juice. “It’s so late already, will you stop it with those gossips! He’s human, what’s so wrong about his feelings!” I said, and snatched the cup away, “I’m already worried as it is, and you’re here making it worst mom!”
“I mean, that day when he came, we thought it was him making a joke to you, but it seems like he’s serious. Farah, can’t you do something about?”
“Mom! A person in love, a person loving someone doesn’t depend on ideals okay! Its-Its just LOVE!” I took a big gulp and set the cup down. “So what are you going to do about your feelings then?” my mother asked staring at me. “Wh-What? My feelings? That doesn’t make sense, Ren he’s my friend, I’ll agree with whatever it is he decides.”
“Are you sure? Farah, are you really sure you can let him go after all these years of chasing him? And not just that, he likes your other Ren, Kiyoshi.”
“Mom, I’ll deal with it on my own.”
I grabbed my bag off the table and headed out. I didn’t want to stay inside anymore, suffocation is the last thing I need. I have to know how he’s doing. Ren, where could you be at this time?
“AH-R-Ren?” I stuttered as I saw him sitting in front of our gate. Was he waiting for me? No, it can’t be. He’s-He’s. “Yah! What the hell is going on?!” I shouted, running towards him. His body, he’s so cold, don’t tell me he was waiting here all afternoon? “Have you been eating?! What the hell is wrong with you! Ren! If you like him that much, then why are you standing in front of my house for! You stupid—!”
“Yeah, I’m stupid right? I can’t even tell my parents why I’m like this. I p-promised them I’ll do well, I promised, but why…why is it that I can’t even make them happy anymore. All—All that I’ve done, what were they f-for!”
I grabbed him by the arm and pulled him towards me. Resting his head on me, he cried hard. “Forget them. Turn your head, and ignore them. You’ve done your best right? The least they can do is accept it! I-I accept you, even after being by your side since childhood, I won’t sway. So at least I’m there, you’ll be fine, right?”
Ren smiled, he gave me a weak smile. This pain in heart, I don’t think I’ll be able to let it go. I need—I need him. What can I do?! Tell me! What is there that I need from him! A Love, A friend, or is just a little affection? Ren, he really—he really need someone right now, but what is there to do? What can I do?
“Isn’t tonight pretty?” I said standing by his side, looking out towards the ocean. “It’s already midnight, but somehow I feel like it’ll be dark for awhile now.” Ren turned to me, giving me another forced smile. “No matter how dark it is, can I count on you? Be my light, neh?” he said reaching for my hand.
“I-I…” my eyes once again was tearing up. I couldn’t stop them, I couldn’t stop my feelings, couldn’t stop this love that I will soon be my biggest mistake.
“I love you, Ren.” I said in a shaking voice, “I love you so much it’s killing my inside.”
“Farah…”
Entry 5 | To be continue
Ren didn’t speak after that, he was probably feeling guilty about my feelings for him. I walked beside him until we reached a little shelter near the rocky side of the ocean. It was already passed midnight, there was no way there would be a bus coming around here.
“Farah you wait here, I’ll go see if there’s any people arou—…”
I grabbed his hand before he turned around, “D-Don’t leave. I’m fine like this.” I said avoiding his eyes.
Ren looked at me, and turn back to the door of the little shelter, wondering if it was better to stay or leave. He finally sat back and put his hands over his head. I giggled under my breath wondering if I was acting like a kid, forcing him to stay here with me.
“What’s so funny?” he asked still not turning towards me.
“Remember when we use to go out like this at night? What, I think we were around 6 or 7?” I laughed again, and leaned my back against the wall. Was it that long ago already? The two of us and our memories together, are they really going to change now? I glance back at his back and smiled.
“You’re not going to turn to me?”
“I’m fine like this.”
“Well, I guess you should be since this will probably be the last time I’ll see you. I already told my father about going to go down to live my Aunt.”
“L-Live with your Aunt? Did you tell your mother?”
“No! Of course I won’t tell her, she won’t let me. I decided this was the best thing I can do. Trying to get over this.”
Ren finally turned back to me. His face was bloated, he’d been crying the entire time.
“W-Why are you crying stupid!! Y-You’re going to make me cry too!” I reached for his shoulders and held him tight. We both sat there hugging each other in a long silence.
“A-Are you leaving because of my feelings for Kiyoshi? I- I’m the one at fault here, you shouldn’t—…”
“It’s no one’s fault. Everyone has their own opinions, so in my opinion no one is at fault. Our feelings are something that can change over time. So I’m choosing what’s best here, and taking my time—You too, think about your feelings. Live the way you want to, not by your pare—…”
Ren, without warning me, he reached for my face and pulls it towards his. Slowly and softly I felt his lips touching mines. His dry tears rubbed against my cheeks, his hot breath slowly went in mines. He finally moved away but, but…
I couldn’t resist it anymore! Ren, he will always be the man I love!
His hot lips surrounding mines was trembling. He was afraid, something would happen, something that would be mistake for the both of us but…this love I held. It was only my love, my love alone, and with him, I would forget everything just to be with him.
My arms, hands reach for his shirt. His arms tightly held my bare body against his. My palms tightens around his bare back, and slowly I let out a deep—
Our mistake today, was it foolish? I’ll leave this as a memory in my heart. Ren, he will always be the man, a truly handsome man that I will love for the rest of my life.
………………
9 months later
“Farah, I told your parents already and it’s your choice. Do what’s best for you.” My Aunt smiled and handed me the box Ren had given me that day. “You should put it on, and show it to your parents.”
I gently put my hand over this lovely angel in my belly. My tears came down once more, “This will be the last time I cry, the last time before I leave with Kiyoshi to see my parents. He’s waiting for me outside.
The bracelet in the box was made for me. Ren had made it when he studying overseas.
The line that he wrote on there had said, “Mutual feelings…”
“Farah!” Kiyoshi waved his hand at me.
“How is he doing?” I ask looking at Kiyoshi.
“Ren, I haven’t heard from him.” Kiyoshi pointed at my belly, “And how is that little guy doing in there?”
I laughed, “He feels loved by his parents, both me and his father.”
“Is that so.”
Kiyoshi took my hand and led me in the car. He was still my replacement for Ren, that is why I will never love Kiyoshi the way I had loved Ren. I will just end up hurting him. This was for the best.
“Ren he loved you Farah."
"I know he did. But—everyone changes.”
THE END
Epilogue
“Mom? Did you really write this journal?”
“Ryoichi, What do you think? Does it sound like your mom?”
“Well, mom you’re very, very strict with me and in here you sound childish.”
“Childish?”
“Yes because you and dad spent a night together knowing it wouldn’t work out.”
“Ryoichi, you don’t understand me and your father. I wasn’t going to force him to stay with me. I could live by myself knowing that when you were born, your father and I loved each other that night.”
“Mom! Please, you’re not going to go into details are you?”
“Of course no.”
“Your journal, I want to publish it. I told Uncle Kiyoshi to go with me later to the office. Mom are you sure you want to?”
“Your father, I bet he would love to read my feelings for himself.”
“Tonight let’s celebrate then.”
“Celebrate what?”
“The night you and dad conceive me. It’s a joy now that I’m 20 and ready for the university exams, and it was thanks to that night, wasn’t it?”
“Yes, you’re right Ryoichi.”
